from the tragic, yet still very much imaginary book “Retrograde”

I’m not afraid of her finding someone else. I can accept that. I can accept some other man sweeping her off her feet and taking her home with him. I can accept them laughing together. Dining together. Sleeping together. I can accept him undressing her, kissing her, holding her bare chest against his. I can accept them looking into each other’s eyes and saying “I love you.” And when they do, I can accept her not remembering who I am... Not knowing that she had done just the same with me, completely oblivious to the fact that I had once made her feel just as beautiful. I can accept that.

They’ll fall asleep. And in the morning, he’s going to wake up and see her beside him. Maybe he’ll smile. Maybe he’ll feel satisfied for a second but then he’s going to roll out of bed and make his way to the bathroom. He’s going to wash his face and put on his suit. He’s going to stand in front of the mirror, tying his tie, looking at nothing but his reflection. He’s going to go to the kitchen, and make himself a cup of coffee. Sure, he’ll be a gentleman, and make one for her too. He’ll leave it on the counter before he shuffles out the front door. He’ll get to his office, and a co-worker will say “Hello, how are you today?” and he’s going to reply “I’m well, George. Thank you for asking,” like any other man. As though it’s simply another day. As though nothing’s happened.

Meanwhile, she’s going to wake up. She’s going to roll over in an empty bed and make her way to the kitchen. She’s going to secretly remake her cup of coffee because he forgot she doesn’t take her coffee with cream. She’s going to lean against the counter thinking about him while he sits down at his desk and begins working. He’s not going to understand how exceptional his night was--the immeasurable gift he has been given. He’s not going to understand how blessed he’s become, how incredibly wonderful his life is. He’s not going to understand the magnitude of what it means to have her heart... That he is the luckiest man to ever walk this earth. And that’s what I can’t accept. That’s what terrifies me.